A Lady In Doubt: Reason To Go On

(As was told in my friendster blog)

I LOVE JESUS.

I AM JESUS FREAK.

I have mentioned these words several times and they seemed so, so, so easy to say. But are they all true? Do I really mean what I say and say what I mean?

Being in the fellowship within the church is much different from any get-togethers I had been with. There is something different with the environment and the people.

“Welcome to Wildsons!!!” shouted two ushers as the elevator door opened. I thought, “Whoa, what’s wrong with these people? They seem so excited! But about what?” As I entered the room, I saw a group of fellow college students gathered together watching a movie on a computer. “Well, nice.” I thought. And as I looked more around the room observing, since that was my first time, I saw these letters on the wall: J E S U S in bright colors and in size so big that everyone can see it. My first impression was, “Jesus? Cool?” Seeing Jesus’ name in that font and style impressed something in my heart. After some time, three guys went onstage and played their instruments. They began to play praise and worship songs. The rest stood up, started to clap their hands and sang. Some even have their eyes closed and me? I just remained on my sit looking at them. And then the pastor’s message came next. The message was simply yet meaningfully delivered. I can’t remember what it was all about though. When everything was finished, snacks were given and it filled my stomach. ^_^ Going back to the letters on the wall, the moment I saw it, I knew that there was something special about that place –it was Joshua Center, the former youth center of Doulos for Christ Ministry (DFCM) for college or university students along Taft Avenue. This was my first experience to join this weekly youth gathering: Wildsons, which stands for Wild Seeds of the Nation.

From being a first timer, I found myself signing on the attendance sheet as a regular attendee. It was fun being there although I found praise and worship a little awkward at first. I soon began joining in what they called ‘cell group’ and hospitality ministry and as well as in their dance group. A few times I also attended Wildsons in Recto. (There were separate youth centers for students in Recto and for students in Taft.) And then I started to enjoy praises and worships too.

Time came when the youth centers transferred and merged into one building in Kalaw on Taft Avenue. Students from Recto and Taft now have more chances to meet together. There were times that I would go there to attend some trainings, or cell groups, or dance practices, or just hang-out. I met more people.

After some time, I was attending worship services every Sunday as well and had several ‘disciplers’. They were all great people. They served as my personal spiritual leaders. They had been with me on my highs and lows during my college life.

And the camp! Oh boy, I had my best times in camps! I was once even voted as ‘Best Camper’. ^_^

I had a lot of wonderful memories in DFCM.

I am currently attending in Maysilo Baptist Christian Fellowship (MBCF) in Malabon for about two years now. Same with DFCM, I also had wonderful moments in MBCF. I was assigned as the youth groups’ secretary, joined in a Christmas carol giving groceries for the less fortunate, taught bible stories to children, gave a message for the youth fellowship and also organized a joint fellowship. I am currently attending worship services and bible studies. Sometimes I join in prayer meetings and attend a theology discussion.

I am a pessimist and joining these groups uplifted my mood.

I become ‘on fire’ for the Lord.

But do I really?

Several times I said, ‘I love You Jesus! I love You Jesus!’ and I would sometimes cry as I utter those words. But I know deep within my heart that I am not fully living what I am saying.

Something hinders me.

Self-centeredness. I have stumbled many times and doubted many times. There was a time when I was this conceited, broken, hopeless and short-minded lady. And I would stop going to church. I pray and read my bible no more. I feel so bad and doing such things is last on my list.

I checked my heart. Do I really love Him? What is it that I truly believe about Him? Why do I believe? Why am I in those groups of believers on the first place? If I love Jesus, why am I not serving Him? Why am I giving excuses to be in a ministry? Why do I seldom pray? Why do I look so badly at myself? Why do I still hold grudges and bitterness to my parents who are long gone and also to other people? Why did I want to escape and run? Why do I seldom read my bible? Why do I ask, ‘God, do You really exist?’ There’s a battle inside me:

to believe or not to believe

to move forward or to stagnate

I reviewed my life. I love Jesus as long as everything is okay. I love Jesus as long as I receive recognition. I love Jesus as long as I get what I want. I love Jesus as long as it is fun. So in times when everything is not turning the way I want it to be, I tend to forget all about Him. No fellowship. No ministries. No training. No praises and worship. I welcomed Christ in my life with selfish reasons. I found myself fooling Him, other people and most especially…myself.

But God always proves Himself faithful. He reached me out through a co-worker, my boss, my church leaders, my discipler, an old friend, a new found friend and most of all my family. My co-worker spent several lunch times with me counseling. My boss makes sure that we grow not only professionally but also spiritually. She does her best to find time for a bible study per week and prays for us despite her busy schedule. My church leaders rebuked me on my faults and shortcomings and sympathized with my struggles. My friends, both old and new, spent time with me just to listen and comfort regardless of time and place. My discipler gave me a warm welcome hug after being gone in church for almost two years. She even prayed for me as she was hugging me while I was just looking at the stars that night hugging her too. A church mate lent her ears as I released my thoughts and burdens and reminded me of my strengths and
potentials in church. She even slept in our house just to be there for me. And
my family especially my sister, warmly welcomed me after going away from home for three days.

Not to mention, I have my job and earning monthly. My family is free from sickness. My sisters and I are living together and survives each day. We were also just given the certification that we can own our lot.

Are there still other reasons not to love God back? With all the blessings and chances He has given me, is there still room for doubt? God is there all along! Every moment. Whatever circumstance.

The cost. Jesus said in His Word to count the cost of following and not following Him. I have tried to ignore Him. But He is always around. His open arms always find me whenever I am lost and confused.

Just like Peter Parker’s grandfather have told, ‘…in great power comes great responsibility…‘, claiming to be a Christian comes great responsibilities too. Loving Jesus means obedience… surrender… submission… trust… faith… because of what He did on the cross and not because of the fun programs and activities.

Do I love Him?

Why?

How do I know I truly believe in Him?

Yes, I do.

Because I believe in Him and His love for me.

I acknowledge His love and get rid away of doubt that I have been saved by grace through faith in Him.

Saying ‘I love You Jesus’ is a tall order. This sentence is not as easy as I thought it was.

But this truth always stands out:

I have to have Jesus not because I want to but because I
NEED to.

Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom would we go? You have the
words of eternal life. John 6: 68

Little children, we must stop expressing love merely by our words and
manner of speech; we must love also in action and in truth. 1 John 3:18

Thanks for reading.

GOD BE PRAISED